Night of Santa woes and failed assassinations

You traveled back in time to kill your granddad/ma [in this case], only to find that you can’t kill him/her as you will not come into existence without him/her.

There’s the grandfather paradox for you.

Okay, don’t laugh, it killed me alright.

So my cranky kid who lived in Future decided that his grandma was too much of an old ass. Like, *why the hell did she have sex with granddad to get my f-ing parents out to bother me?!* Its all your fault grandma, now that I’ve been so pissed by mum. You shall pay for it someday, time for bloodlust and revenge. Hurhurhur…

However, as it goes, my poor kid cannot kill me—for it’s another paradox if he managed to succeed. So what did he do? That ingenious brat bribed Santa to be his accomplice. As we all know, the morbidly-obese-guy-with-silver-hair is timeless, so he decided to give it a shot, cos I as a kid, dissed him in the exact same way by taunting him to lose weight, cut beard and dye hair. Not a lot to ask eh?

Ah, just look at him, sliding down the chimn—oops, I don’t have one do I? Oh gosh, this just ain’t gonna work man! Modernisation doesn’t really help to our assassins much eh? So that explains the stoic disbelief in getting presents from Santa. Well, I say the Singapore weather does no justice to him and his reindeer crew, saw ‘em masquerading outside my door, fanning in desperation. Ooh, rather pathetic for a celebrated ol’ soul uh? Yeeks and the sicklesome Ruldoph is destroying my beautiful cacti! Oh, or rather its destroying him, I think. Pretty lil’ needles stuck onto his nose, some nice new embellishment! Mind me, I’m not talking sense, for there’s no sense in this in the first place. Well, lets get on…

But I wasn’t gonna let him go, not after owing me 14 years of x’mas presents! No way man. Aha, so I did the obvious, I robbed him! Of his great big sack full o’ candy canes and choco mints that guarantee you Santa’s figure after stomaching them all! Anyone? Or maybe I’ll leave it in my will for my darling kid as a momento, eh? Any of you guys got this Santa-turned-assassin last night? Hohoho, unless you have such sense to live under a chimney? Well, I’m sure he’ll get this terrible terrible phobia of metal grilles and stuff. And there’s this granddad to deal with I think!! Oops.